Never Short of Material, I Tell Ya

I have a few good quotes of the day to share with you before they fly off into the deep recesses of my mind and I lose them forever. It's a mixed bag this time, so just hold on for the ride, people.

1. Proof that I teach at the nerdiest school ever (and love it), two kids were comparing calculators in class. One says to the other, "You have a TI-86? How primitive."

2. Yesterday, I gave one of my classes a quiz over Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis. The quiz merely called for the students to provide a plot summary of the book to prove they had done the required background research on it. I got some of the standard fare by kids who didn't do that work--the classic "maybe being obscenely vague will get me somewhere" trick...things like, "A person does something. There are consequences and other things happen as a result." Those, let me tell you, are always delightful. My favorite, though, was from a kid who actually did do the background research but suffered from an unfortunate spelling error: "A guy named Gregor wakes up from a bad dream and turns into some kind of bug or incest." Heh...sometimes there are no words. All I could write back was, "That's an entirely different beast." I don't think he'll get it, but oh well.

3. The teacher next door to me has a three-year-old son who is pretty talkative. This teacher relayed the story of giving his child Nerds (the candy) as a reward for something. "Whatcha doing?" the child's mother said to the boy as she walked into the room. "Ohhh," he replied, "just eatin' some Turds!"

And with that I bid you adieu for now.

The Breast Comments I've Seen All Day

For many moons I have vehemently believed that the comments sections on online newspapers should be eradicated. Why? Because they tend to be overrun by 1. bigots, 2. people who never leave their homes and thus have way too much time on their hands, 3. people who have a nominal-at-best grasp of the English language, and 4. Republicans (see points one and two). (Ohhh, it's mostly a joke...don't get on me about it. sheesh)

So anyway, I have a long-standing problem with this "advancement" in technology.

However, today my local newspaper printed a story that contains the best online comments of all time. For your reading pleasure, I have copied the original article below, along with the best of the best from the comments section, which I have selected from nearly 150 posts (yes, it really WOULD appear I have a lot of time on my hands today):

More Than 300 Bras Stolen From Local Store

Authorities are investigating after more than 300 bras were reported stolen Monday from display drawers at Victoria's Secret in Eastland Mall, according to an Evansville Police Department report.

In all, 320 bras - worth $14,400 or $45 apiece - turned up missing.

Store employees reportedly noticed the bras were gone on Dec. 20, though the theft wasn't reported to police until Monday afternoon.

According to the report, store employees believe they were taken after Dec. 18. The store has surveillance, which it is still reviewing for possible suspects, the report said.

It was not immediately clear why the store waited so long to report this incident, though Evansville Police Department Spokesman Steve Green said chains often conduct their own internal investigations or work with their corporate offices before reporting crimes.

Best comments ever:
-"What kind of boob would do that?"
-"I guess Victoria's Secret has their panties in a wad over all of this."
-"Is there a 'support' group for this kind of crime?"
-"What a titillating story!"
-"Cross my heart I hope they find the people who did this." (This one is subtly clever, you see.)
-"Thank you, C&P, for keeping us abreast of this situation."
-"Talk about some bra-zar behavior!"
-"Must be revenge...(wait for it)...yep, it was tit-for-tat." (I love that this person was so confident in his or her zinger.)
-"I look forward to the capture of this miscreants. That will be an uplifting story."
-"A crime of this magnitude can only be solved by an investigator with hands-on experience."

Oh, thank you for the momentary giggles today, morons who post on newspaper comments forums.

My Resolution: To Muster Up a Regular Update

Ohhhh it's such a funny resolution. We all know I'm incapable of sticking to it. But it was an adorable glimmer of hope, wasn't it?

Well, the first semester is finally over, and I'm enjoying the end of my winter break. Christmas has come and gone, and overall it was a very nice one. My parents bought us a Wii, which is delightful in every conceivable way to me. I got to see some family I've not seen in a while, and I got to spend some time with my new brothers to get to know them better. (Yes, let's all acknowledge that it's a little weird, but I suppose there are stranger scenarios in the world.)

While visiting family, my cousins Jadrid and Brennie gave me two pricess quotes of the day, so eat them up while you've got this rare appearance from me!

1. Jadrid, who is 8, was telling us about having seen the movie Step Brothers (his parents had rented it without first screening it for the kiddies....ohhhh, unwise). Apparently, there is a part of the movie where one character accuses the other of putting his man bits on his drum. Jadrid, recounting the line from the movie, said, "I know it was you! You put your pesticles on my drum!" I want to hug him and squeeze him so he never grows up. Pesticles. Heh.

2. Brennie is now 4, and his dad wants people to start calling him by his given name, Brendan, so he'll seem more grown-up or something like that. I don't know. I get it, but at the same time it's like, "Dude, he's 4. If were' still calling him Brennie when he's 14, then that's a problem...but right now I think we've got a free pass until he's 5 or 6." Anyway, so my mom asked Brennie what he thought of the name situation. "Do you want me to call you Brennie or Brendan?" she asked. His reponse, without hesitation: "You can call me Flower if you want to." agh, it makes my uterus hurt.

We returned home to discover that the strange sounds we had been hearing (and trying to ignore) for weeks are, in fact, feral cats living in the crawl space under our house. "Oh, Cor! Just your luck!" you exclaim. To that I respond with a hearty laugh and "I know, right? Allllll in a day's work for the Master Jukemeister." How could such a thing happen, you wonder! How could the cats have access to the crawl space? I'll tell you how.

You see, before we agreed to buy this house, we had the owners fix some ducting in the crawl space. Apparently, their contractor couldn't be bothered putting the access door back on the crawl space entrance, because, you know, mustering up those 5 seconds of effort is exhausting. So since the crawl space door is under the deck, and since we had no reason to go under the deck to check the door (until, of course, we heard cats fighting under our living room floor), we had no reason assume anything was askew down there for the two months it was wide open. Silly, stupid Cor. I sometimes get complacent and forget my mantra: never underestimate the destructive power of one incompetent boob.

So anyway, we've now hired this guy who specializes in humane trap and release methods to catch these cats and get rid of them for us, and so far we've caught two of God knows how many cats. Total cost so far--$200. All because of an asshole who couldn't bother closing a simple crawl space door. *sigh* More on that continuing saga later.

The Beast Stirs

Yes, I'm an ass. It's been ages. Beyond ages. It's been an utterly reprehensible amount of time since I last posted something. In truth, I've been quite busy, but also you should know just for honesty's sake that I've been spending a lot of time tooling around and procrastinating. I'd apologize, but I think we all know by now that this pattern of timewasting is just a part of my nature. (There was also lots of real work and a move to a new house in all of that time away, but I don't feel like recounting any of that, as the 5 people who actually read this blog and care already know about all of that.)

While I have nothing of substance to note tonight, I do just want to illustrate that I am, in fact, still alive. Also, I'm hoping to come back soon with some good funnies from my students' journals.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go shuffle some papers around for an hour before bed and delude myself into believing that was productive work.

Tids and Bits

I have no story for a formal post right now, but I thought I'd pass on some things I found funny recently. First, a sign we passed on the way to a baseball game several weeks ago:


Second, we went out to eat last weekend and ordered an appetizer dish called the "assorted platter." Imagine my glee at getting the check and seeing the "ass plater" on it:


Finally, some notes on funny things my students have said. I make them keep a writing journal in my class. Every day, they have to respond to a prompt I write on the board. These are some of my favorites from the last three weeks:

Question--If you woke up tomorrow with one new quality or ability, what would it be?

Answer: When I wake up tomorrow, I wish to be ridiculously good looking. I chose this for several reasons. A few of my reasons include girls, charisma, and stellar poses. Any female would drool at the sight of my eyes, which would be similar to a waterfall shimmering in a blazing sun. Charisma would allow me to easily raise any grade from a D to an A. Being charismatic is a trait that simply hovers over any man with extremely good looks. Last, stellar poses would give me a chance to further show off my ridiculously-good-lookingness

Question--If you could give one piece of advice to any person in history, what would it be?

Answer 1: I would tell Einstein to fix his hair. It's hard for people to take him seriously when he doesn't look professional.

Answer 2: I would tell the guy who invented cake that he should never mix vegetables with cake. Carrot cake? I honestly want to hit that guy.

Answer 3: I would tell a pirate, "Eat oranges, and tell your friends." (I think this is a reference to preventing scurvy, but the wording made me laugh so hard.)

Answer 4: I would tell the Beatles to donate 85% of their sales to me so I could increase their popularity among mothers and nuns.

Consider them your quotes of the day.

Sometimes I Have No Title

Am I the only person who thinks Tom Brokaw's voice has become a caricature of itself? It's gotten so weird! Throatier than it has ever been. It's like he's doing an impression of himself. You must listen to it sometime. I'd find a clip of him speaking to illustrate my point, but you know the routine; I can't be bothered.

We're up to the third week of school, and so far things are going ok. The kids are still pretty good, and they're starting to assert their unique personalities. Funny stories (a select few to be chronicled here) will appear soon.

Quote of the day:

I have a student who is an incredible "helper." He always has resources at the ready to help people, whether it be handouts (odd) or computer guides. (Today he offered another student--whose zipper on his shorts broke--a spare pair of PANTS. I couldn't help myself; I had to stop class to inquire about the circumstances that led to him always keeping an extra change of clothes with him, just in case someone needed to borrow them.) Anyway, he was in the computer lab, and another student raised his hand asking for help with a printing problem. As I began to scoot off my seat to go over to to help, "Helper Kid" (this will not be his official nickname) commenced an enthusiastic skip-run across the entire length of the computer lab. "Sit down, I've got it!" he said to me mid-jaunt. "I'm a NERRRRRRDDDD!"

I've Been Doing This Like Three Days Now and I'm Pretty Good at It

Well, kids. I've successfully finished my first week of teaching and I still have my sanity. All in all, it's been a good week. The kids are great for the most part, and the staff has been really helpful. I am a pretty happy camper right now in regards to the job. Exhausted, of course, and still nervous about doing a good job, but so far so good.

In other news, my birthday was Tuesday, and imagine my joy today to have received my annual $5 birthday check from my grandparents. Now, it's not that I'm ungrateful about the money; it's just that my grandparents have money and they're just cheap. Frankly, it's more of a nuisance to take the check to the bank than anything else. Additionally, ever since I got married they have spelled my new last name wrong on every single birthday check. You'd think they'd get it by now. So anyway, I think I'll be saving this year's $5 birthday check as a souvenir to screw up their checkbook balancing....muhahaha.