The Wedding: Part I--The "Hotel"

So the big wedding was last weekend. I'd apologize for not updating about it sooner, but I couldn't be bothered. All in all, it was an outstanding weekend. I had a great time getting to see Kathy and JoAnna again, and I loooooved getting to see Carissa and meet new baby Marin.

Y and I left on Thursday evening to begin the 10 hour drive. We originally planned to stay overnight on the way and finish the drive the next day, but we decided about 3 hours in that we were still young and vibrant and could make the whole drive at once and arrive in Des Moines after 3 a.m. Idiots. I called the "hotel" (you'll understand why the quotes are necessary soon enough) and asked if we could check in a night early (we had already prepaid two nights) and they said yes.

At 3:30 a.m. we rolled up to the Ramada Inn in Clive and checked in. Not so much to our surprise (as the room was only $70/night), it was clear the furnishings had not been updated since the Carter administration. We did not care, though. We were dying from lack of sleep. As my husband lay his head upon his pillow to begin his blissful rest, we discovered it was going to be an interesting stay at this place. His pillow felt, quite literally, like a sack of rags. Upon inserting his hand into the pillowcase and braving the yellow, stained pillow, he discovered it was actually one very thin, lumpy pillow the hotel staff had creatively folded in half and put back in the pillowcase to avoid having to buy a new one. Classy.

We went to sleep, and later in the morning we arose to meet Carissa for lunch. As we were getting ready at around 10:30, we heard someone put a key card into the door and then attempt to burst right in. The only thing keeping him out was the deadbolt I had locked the night before. I gave my husband a "What the F?!" and then followed the man down the corridor. He wasn't wearing any uniform, nametag, or other identification, but he told me he worked for the hotel and that we were supposed to be out of the room. I told him we were paid up until Sunday, actually, and that checkout wasn't until noon anyway, thus meaning he had zero reason to attempt to barge into our room without knocking first at 10:30 in the morning regardless of the circumstances. His response? He walked away. Again, classy.

A couple of minutes later the phone rang. It was the girl at the front desk asking if we were going to check out or if she should charge us for another night. Godddddd. We decided to go down to the front desk and straighten everything out in person, as the girl on the phone seemed to be clueless when I told her we had prepaid through Sunday. My husband grabbed his creepy pillow to exchange it and we left the room. I realized that I had forgotten something I needed, though, and pushed down on the door handle (forgetting momentarily to put the key in the door first). Much to my shock and horror, the door opened right up without the key. After fiddling with it for a minute to confirm that the door did, in fact, NOT lock at all and that the key cards were useless for the door, I decided it was time to put on my business voice.

I made Y stay in the room to guard everything we owned as I went to the front desk to straighted out the bill situation and bust some ass about our busted-ass door lock. I first dealt with the issue of the bill. I'll spare you the details of that one, but do trust me when I say it was a delightful adventure in what I can only imagine was an adventure in illiteracy. Next I turned to the room situation.

Me: "I am HORRIFIED that you guys put us in a room that doesn't lock, and that we slept there last night with literally ANYONE being able to walk in willy nilly. So you're going to put us into a new room now."

Her: "Oh, ok. Are you ok with moving up to the 3rd floor?"

Wow, seriously? Am I the only one who believes she was far too cavalier about this situation, as if, perhaps, this is a rather common complaint at the Ramada Inn of Clive? And how much should we bet they didn't fix it and there is some sucker sleeping in that death trap room right now?

So we moved rooms, but before we left our first room we did notice that our Ramada Inn mattress said Fairfield Inn. My husband and I are still debating whether they bought the Fairfield Inn's old mattresses (charming) OR straight-up stole them from them. Either option is viable, but I lean toward the latter.

So we moved to our new room, which was a palace by comparison. In this room our door actually locked (gasp!) and we didn't have to access it from the outside (yay, interior hallways!), but we did get to have an Easter egg hunt for carpet staples (total tally- 7) and had a precarious toilet whose seat was bolted down on only one side, so imagine the fun and games of that one!

When we were leaving we also delighted in their oh-so-sophisticated "excuse our mess" signs as they "renovated" the hovel...er....excuse me, hotel. I bet they really did regret the "inconvienence" and appreciated our kind "coopertion." Perrrrfect. Just so you know, that hotel has been "under construction" for over a year, so those signs have been up for as long. Let it bloom, friends. Let it bloom.

Coming up next: Part II--Adventures with Pastor Chet

Quote of the day: My husband, as we were driving to Iowa and becoming delirious, began entertaining me with poop jokes. "I dropped so many kids off at the pool it felt like an orphanage!"

Sigma Tau Dipshits

Nearly a full year ago I joined an English honor society at my university. "What the hey," I thought. "I don't really like other English people because they're usually pretentious and annoying, but this will be good on my resume." So, along with a few of my friends who were invited, I joined. We should have all been tipped off that things were awry when only half of the new members showed up to the induction ceremony, and one of the sponsors didn't even show up. At that induction ceremony last April we received nothing and they said, "Ahhh, don't worry about it! We're going to mail your membership certificates and pins!" No big deal, right? I didn't particularly care.

So the induction passed and I went to the meetings (averaging five whole members each week, which, in case you're wondering, is awkward, especially when your new president tells you her favorite book of all time is Harry Potter and you have to suppress your bile without drawing too much attention to yourself).

Fast forward to the end of last semster, early December, as many of us are preparing to graduate. We all receive e-mails from one of the new sponsors informing us that, golly-gee-whiz, a "miscommunication" must've occurred in the spring because no one ever sent off our dues or information to the national home office of the honor society! And no one ever thought to double-check it when they curiously heard nothing back from the home office. Oh by the way, she adds, would you like to still be a member since, technically speaking, you never were one?

Ha, perrrrfect. I wrote her back telling her that, oh boy, they should be embarrassed by this. I also asked her how I'm supposed to explain their screwup to people who've received my resume in the meantime and would check my affiliations, awards, and honors only to discover it looked like I completely made this one up out of thin air. Not cool, I told her. Regardless, though, I told her I still wanted to stay in the national organization, and to go ahead and send my dues money in and keep me in as long as the membership would backdate to the time we all originally thought we were being inducted. She wrote back and apologized for everything and then said she'd send do that and then forward all of my memberhip materials to me.

Another month and a half passes. By now it is the end of January. I've still not received anything from her, so I e-mail the sponsor back. She tells me the new group secretary (someone who was literally coerced into taking the position so the group wouldn't lose its certification with Campus Student Organizations) is in charge of that now. Ohhhh great, way to follow through. So I e-mail that girl, and she tells me my materials are on the way! Yay!

Nooooooo.

Which brings us to this week. I write the secretary again. I've still received nothing, and frankly, it's been almost A YEAR since we were supposed to be inducted into this piece of crap organization. Where is my stuff? She writes back. "I still haven't sent them yet for a couple of reasons. Sorry!" What the hell reasons can there be, man? Her thumbs fell off? Her cat mauled her in the middle of the night, grossly disfiguring her face and leaving her emotionally scarred and unable to forward a fricking envelope? It's so beyond me!

So, it's been almost a year now, and of course I probaby owe renewal dues now, but how the hell would I know? I don't even have my original materials! Which means I can't access the national website, I can't pay my updated dues, and you guessed it, I'm soon going to be out of the national organization AGAIN because of these bumbling idiots at my school's chapter. So much for trying to utilize one's opportunities to make one's resume look better.

On a final, totally unrelated note, I was just watching The Price is Right. Drew Carey lets contestants give "shout-outs" while they spin the big wheel. This guy just used his "shout-out" moment to say, "Yeah, I wanna say hello to my lord and savior, Jesus Christ." Yeah, dude, don't suck up to Jesus. I guarantee you he is not watching The Price is Right, and he is not going to help you win the Showcase Showdown. He has other things to do.

UPDATE: Hell if that guy didn't totally win the Showcase Showdown.

Serenity Now, God

Trying to talk to those imbeciles at AT&T Wireless is like talking to a retarded monkey about Shakespeare. (Actually, making that analogy probably does a disservice to retarded monkeys everywhere, who are clearly more qualified to run a business than AT&T Wireless.)

You'll remember that last Friday my husband and I ordered new phones. To ease confusion, we both ordered Blackberry Pearls, his is black and mine in red. The timing was good because my cell phone had just died, leaving me impotent in communications. We were super excited yesterday when UPS showed up to deliver these new phones, but my joy quickly turned to anger when I saw that they only delivered my husband's phone. I hopped online and discovered my phone is now on backorder--something the woman on the phone didn't tell me when we ordered and I never received an e-mail about or anything like that. Being as how I'm the one with the dead phone, this pissed me off. But we worked out a way to keep my phone on life support so I can keep in contact with people until my new one comes.

*sigh*

Fast forward to today. Unable to find how long the phone would be backordered online, I called customer service to ask the most basic question I could possibly ask about this problem: "How long is this phone going to be on backorder?"

I had first logged on to online customer service "live chat" and was immediately told that they don't have access to that information (of COURSE not!), and would have to call a phone number the rep provided me. Allow me, then, to explain to you how the next FORTY MINUTES of my life progressed trying to get this question answered.

I called that number and explained my problem to the rep. "My husband and I are on a family plan together. We both ordered new phones on Friday. He got his yesterday but I didn't get mine, and I just want to know how long mine will be backordered since it doesn't say online."

The rep put me on hold and came back a couple of minutes later. "Yes ma'am. My records show the order was shipped and you received it yesterday." Arg...it begins.

Me: "Yes, my HUSBAND got his. I did not get mine. I'm asking about mine....how long it will be on backorder."

Numnuts: "Yes, one moment. Let me check on that." (goes away for another 2 minutes) "Yes ma'am, ok. I am showing that your phone is on backorder. You will receive it when we get it."

Me: *breathe...breeeeeathe* "I know it's on backorder. We've established that. I want to know HOW LONG it will be on backorder. One week? A month?"

Numnuts: "Yes, one moment. Let me check on that." (goes away for another 2 minutes) "Yes ma'am, ok. You have a discounted account, according to my screen."

Me: "Yes, we have an education discount through my husband's work. Just now saw that, eh?"

Numnuts: "Yes, then I can't help you with that. You'll need to speak to Business Services. I'll transfer you."

Breathe...count to ten. No one is going to die today.

I wait on hold with Business Services for ohhh...5 minutes, then speak to a woman who seems more promising at first than Numnuts.

Me: "OK. Let's make this easier than it was for the last person I talked to. I ordered two phones. One came, one shows online as being backordered. For the love of God, can you tell me how long that other phone will be backordered? That's all I want."

Her: "Ok, no problem. It's showing here that that phone is backordered. We'll ship it out to you as soon as we get it back in stock."

MOTHER F!

Me: "I know this! I would sincerely hope you wouldn't just hold on to your new shipments of phones and hoard them for sadistic pleasure. Can you find out how long this phone will be backordered? Will it be days? Weeks? I'd like to know because my current phone is dead and that's not good for me."

(at this point we'll commence calling her ohhhh...how bout Asshat...yeah that works)

Asshat: "I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a few minutes to figure that out."

Me: "Sure why not? I don't have anything better to do with my time. Bring it on!"

She's gone for several minutes, then returns and tells me the phone will be backordered for three weeks. Of course it will! Why not? It's not like I didn't already pay for it or anything.

Me: "Ok, that's kind of a long time for me since my phone is dead and I was never told this was backordered from the beginning. I wouldn't have ordered it if I'd have known that. Since you haven't processed the order yet with the phone being on backorder, can I just cancel that order and pick a different phone that I can get sooner?"

Asshat: "I've never had to cancel an order before. Let me put you on hold for a few minutes to figure that out."

Me: "Ok."

Asshat comes back a few minutes later. "Ok, I won't be able to do that. You've already placed your order and committed to this phone."

Me: "Uhhh, but you guys also committed to send it to me in 3 to 5 business days, and that part's not happening either, is it? It's not like it's sitting there waiting to be shipped. You don't even HAVE this phone to send to me. How hard can it be to just pick a different one of the same price?"

Asshat: "I'm sorry, but unfortunately you already committed to this phone. If you'd like to pick a new phone, I'll have to charge you the full, undiscounted retail price for it. Then, if you don't still want the other phone that's currently on backorder, you'll have to refuse delivery from UPS when it shows up in a few weeks."

Me: "I'm sorry, but I don't see how it could possibly be this hard to make a simple switcheroo at this point in the game."

Asshat: "Unfortunately, ma'am, that's how it works."

At this point I ended the call because, well, I could feel my head beginning to explode. Hopefully yours is too, because I can't possible be alone in this, can I? I mean, seriously. Idiots! It's easier to get out of a goddamn marriage than it is to change an order with these people!

The good news I have to report, though, is that I got a call yesterday evening from the woman at the private tutoring place, and she offered me the job. I'll be starting there on Monday. Yay to finally being a little less of a pile of crap. Updates on that later.