Y and I made our way to the ceremony site for the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and it was here that we get to meet Pastor Chet for the first time. Let me say before I get started here that Pastor Chet is delightfully insane and I have no idea where Kathy and Eric found him, but I am so glad they did. Pastor Chet was a small, middle-aged Indian man who informed us all that he had been a preacher for twenty years and that in the past week he had performed a wedding and two funerals in a single day. "Oh, so you're clearly qualified," I thought to myself. (He later mentioned this same exact fun fact about himself in front of the packed chapel at the actual wedding.) By a comfortable mile, though, what was most interesting about Pastor Chet was his voice. It was a bizarre amalgamation of three distinct accents and voices: midwestern man who secretly wishes he is British so he rolls his r's whenever possible to appear more genteel, booming Lutheran minister, and humble Indian man longing for the motherland. In particular, Pastor Chet had a very distinct way of saying words that ended with "d," most notably, "God." (Being as how it was a wedding and all, God made several appearances in the ceremony.) Pastor Chet said God with a long "o" like in "go" and overemphasized the d at the end to the point of lunacy. Oh, how I had to clench every muscle in my body to keep from giggling as he said "GoDDDD" repeatedly.
At the end of the rehearsal dinner, Pastor Chet offered a prayer that began (I swear I'm not making this up...it's impossible), "Thank GoDDDD for man and woman. Thank GoDDDD for sexUALity..." I would tell you the rest of it but I can't remember it, as I spent the next few minutes of the prayer trying to keep control of myself because the urge to giggle and risk getting the evil eye from Pastor Chet was so overwhelming. I caught sight of a groomsman in my peripheral vision having a breakdown as the laughter began to erupt from deep inside him, but I'm happy to report I held it together until we got to the car and made our way to the rehearsal dinner. (Pastor Chet later also repeated this exact prayer at the wedding, but I was more prepared that time and found my happy place before I could let the giggles take over.)
At the rehearsal dinner, we ate well thanks to Eric's dad and his rockin' drink tickets. We discovered a drink on the menu called the "Kathie B's Hot Sex," which was especially perfect since our Kathy's last name starts (started, I guess, now) with B. Kathy's response to her newfound fame was to give me this pose:
(Kathy, if you want me to take this picture down, just let me know.)
In case you're wondering, I DID drink the Kathie B's Hot Sex and it was everything I thought it would be. Giggity giggity goooooo.
The next morning we did all of those standard pre-wedding activities that were mostly uneventful. During the pre-ceremony pictures, though, I did get to meet an interesting specimen from Eric's family, Uncle Tom. Uncle Tom strolled into the back to the chapel as we were taking pictures, and I could not help but notice his choice of formalwear: a black tuxedo t-shirt tucked into jeans with the biggest belt buckle a human being should be allowed to own legally. He also wore glasses, which he kept firmly affixed to his head with a braided red leather band. Don't worry, though. While the band was flashy, it did not distract from the ponytail he had created with the lower part of his mullet and tied off again in the middle with another rubber band (presumably, just for good measure). Just to complete the mental picture for you, let me just say that dental work was obviously a foreign term to this man. After the wedding Eric informed me that this particular uncle also has a strange proclivity for keeping scissors with him at all times...so much, in fact, that he keeps his scissors in a custom-made scissor holster that stays firmly attached to his pants with a chain at all times. He even, according to Eric, refuses to take off the scissor holster for special occasions like family photos. I'm sorry to report, though, that I did not catch a glimpse of the scissors at the wedding, although I DID get to see Uncle Tom root through the flower arrangements and pick roses for a woman who I presume was his wife. (I know, sometimes there is no explanation other than I guess there really must be someone for everyone.)
Before the wedding, though, everything else was pretty standard.
In fact, everything was pretty standard up through the end of the wedding ceremony. Pastor Chet thanked GoDDD a lot, the kids said their vows. It was all well and good. Then, however, something curious happened. Pastor Chet informed Kathy and Eric that it was their time to kiss and seal their union. They gave each other a short, sweet peck on the lips....because, you know, neither of them is especially big on the public makeout, especially in front of a hundred of their closest family and friends. Pastor Chet, though, was apparently perturbed by the brevity of their kiss, because he proceeded to do the single most ludicrous and hilarious things I've ever seen at a wedding. He physically grabbed their heads and clunked them together like coconuts. Now, granted, he was attempting to get them to kiss again for everyone, but, well...I don't know about you, but when someone grabs my head like they're palming a basketball my natural inclination is to resist. Kathy and Eric both did the same (momentarily) and so the force Pastor Chet exerted to attempt to unify them again was excessive. I swear if it were more silent we would've been able to hear a hollow thud as their skulls collided. Even as I type this, I am nearly weeping from the sheer joy of the mental picture replaying in my mind.
After the wedding, Kathy and Eric went on a carriage ride through Cumming helmed by two burly men decked out in what I can only assume was their best camouflage hunting gear. We later learned that one of the men was, in fact, a woman with some unfortunate facial hair, but I swear she was all man from where I was standing.
The reception was lots of fun. I got to talk to JoAnna and Mike, who had come in from Omaha for the wedding. My toast ended up going ok, although I got really nervous right before I had to give it and kind of screwed part of it up. Some people seemed to really appreciate my particular brand of humor, while others, well....not so much. A few people came up to me afterwards and told me they thought it was funny, although one woman did approach me and say sarcastically, "You think you're some kind of comedian, don't you?" Oh well, can't win em all! At least Kathy seemed to like it.
The rest of the reception was spent dancing, drinking, and laughing it up with friends. Pretty standard. I got to manage the bride's side of the dollar dance festivities. (If you're not familiar, this is a custom to raise money for the couple. People pay $1 minimum--although they are cheap bastards if they go in for anything less than $10--to dance with either the bride or the groom.) At one point my retinas almost nearly burned out of my eyes when I looked over to see one of Kathy's male cousins dancing with Eric with his hands so firmly on Eric's butt (and partially into his crack) it was like his life depended on that dollar dance. The next morning Kathy and Eric met us for breakfast at Perkins, and Eric informed me that after that dance the cousin asked Eric, "You want a 24-point inspection to go with that lube job I just gave ya?" That, friends, is your quote of the day.
So, you know, all in all a wonderful wedding weekend.
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