I'm Learnding!

The good news I've been waiting for since January has finally arrived. That, my friends, is that my teaching license finally came, so I can now legally destroy the minds of middle and high school children in my state in both English AND Journalism. Ooooooh. Double your pleasure, double your fun!

I've also gotten one full week at the tutoring company under my belt, and well, there are things that need to be said about it. Monday began and I gave my new boss my documents attesting to the fact that I am a US citizen and thus legally allowed to work in this country. I was slightly perturbed to discover the I-9 form I had to fill out was a copy of a handwritten original, but let's just hope that's because they've only recently made the leap toward having modern conveniences like computers and electricity here. I then immediately discovered that no one where I work can make "oll" sounds. No one. They all say it "ow." I know this because I had to talk to several people for some reason about "payroll" and was delighted when they each referred to it as "payrow." (There is also clear that there is an epidemic of the Indiana "extra r" complex here, which rears its ugly head in words like "wash," which these people say as "warsh." It makes my skin crawl.) Why do I find this so funny, you ask? Because we teach small children how to read, and how funny is it that these people are setting them up for lifelong speech impediments?

Anyway, after filling out my paperwork, my boss instructed another employee to give me "the tour." At this point it it probably important for you to know that this entire facility is maybe a thousand square feet in total. You can stand at one end of the teaching floor and look to the other end, and that's the entire teaching area. Then, if you turn around, you look through a door to a small room that constitutes the office/break room. That's it. That's the whole facility. I didn't really see why a "tour" was in order, but let me just say it was spectacular. This, I swear, is the Cliff's Notes version of the tour I got from the other worker:

Her: "So, here are the tables. We teach at them. You'll sit in the middle and the students will sit around you."

We move 5 steps toward two bathrooms, one regular and one handicap-accessible. Between the bathrooms is a water cooler.

Her: "Here's bathrooms. There are two. You can use either of them, cause we don't got no handicapped people. If you want more room that is. Here's the water cooler. You can use it if you're thirsty. Blue means cold, white is room temperature, and red is hot water. In case you want to make something hot. Like tea. Or hot chocolate."

(This is the part where the full-body clenching starts because I just couldn't bring myself to show them my true colors on my first day. So I held on with all my might and avoided doing something ridiculous like telling her I was confused and asking her to show me how one fills a cup at that ever-so-complicated water cooler.)

She then began walking me around, pointing to things and identifying them as if English were my second language and we were on the "identifying nouns" stage of my language aquisition.

Her: "There's books we use. Ummm....manipulatives. For math. Toys. Extra paper. Pencils. More tables."

Me: "Ok! Think I'm solid. Thanks so much!"

Then my boss returned and got me started reading the company propaganda....errrr...mission and program materials. First I had to read up on the history of the company and take a short test on it, including an essay over what steps I would take to help the company's success. (In case you're wondering, I spent exactly 30 seconds on this part and was told I passed the written portion with flying colors.) Then I began instruction on the first program I was to learn to teach the kiddies. I'm sure the manual that went along with an instruction manual would've been a gripping read if it weren't riddled with spelling and grammar mistakes, including but not limited to:

-"awaremenss" (Yeahhhh, they were going for "awareness," but as you can see that didn't really work out as planned.)
-"...before its released..." (because who needs those pesky apostophes anyway?)
-..."The learning process begins for a readers when..." (arg.)

So that was....revealing.

On the positive side, though, the people I'm working with have been really nice and helpful, and the kids I've been working with (mostly K-2nd graders) have been super adorable to the point that it almost makes my uterus hurt. Almost, Dad. Don't get your hopes up for grandspawn just yet.

Anyway, so that's life at the private tutoring company. It's going ok, I suppose. I feel like things are a little bit unnecessarily complicated there on just about every level, but perhaps the reasons for the madness will reveal themselves soon. I'll keep you updated.

In other news, I am getting mighty excited to get to see Kathy in a month. I'm not looking forward to ruining her wedding pictures in my generally unflattering bridesmaid's dress, but that's a small price to pay for finally getting to see my hetero life partner and other friends like JoAnna and Carissa. I suppose I should also start composing this maid (matron, I guess, since I'm married, but that sounds so dowdy) of honor speech too, eh? Feel free to give me ideas for something that will deftly walk that fine line between funny and heartfelt without slipping into the abyss of "I will never speak to you again for ruining my wedding" inappropriate (which would be hard to do with Kathy, but still).

On a final note, I'm going to a new doctor tomorrow to have a physical and get established so I'll have access to sweet glorious drugs should I ever need them. So, you know, that's bound to be a great experience that will in no way violate the remaining shreds of my dignity. Worry you not, though. I'll let you know.

As I sign off, today's quote of the day once again comes from my husband. (We've already established that I don't have contact with a lot of people, and most of the ones I do have contact with aren't that funny, so he wins quote of the day by default most of the time.) It's turning out that RC Cola is becoming a running joke in our house ever since his previous quote of the day about it being undrinkable (which is true). Well, on the news yesterday there was a story about a man who was caught diddling himself in front of a woman and her child (which, for the record, is just super classy and he should tell everyone he knows about how he became a local celebrity). The story continued that the man had been seen in the area previously at a vending machince (flash to the shot of the RC machine). "Man, I'm REALLY glad I don't drink RC now," my husband said. "There's no telling what it could make me do!"