The Joy of Marital Insults

Today, Y and I were getting ready to go out for a bit. I was sitting upstairs waiting for him to finish getting dressed when I noticed he had a zit. This, friends, is the conversation that ensued:

Me: "You gonna do something to cover up that monster? It's makin' me sick!"

Y then pretends he's going to gently smack me in the face as he laughs for me to shut up.

I hide my face, replying, "Nooooo! It took me so long to get it this beautiful for going outside!"

Y's response as he points to my face: "That's the best you could come up with, eh?"

Heh, ohhhh well played, dear husband of mine. Well played.

Following our excursion together, I went out by myself to get my hair cut and run a couple of other errands. While getting my hair cut, I was chatting with the stylist. At one point, she asked me, "Do you find you have a lot of strangers coming up to talk to you?" I replied that I did, that I attract weirdos like it's my calling in life. What follows is the exact conversation as it happened, and I hope you'll understand why it amused me so, so much.

Her: I thought so. You've got a very inviting voice. Like a voice that attracts people.

Me: Really? I dunno. All I know is that I must give off SOME vibe that makes strangers come up to me and talk to me about their probation hearings and oozing sores and whatnot.

Her: Nah, really. It's charming. It's like one of them....one of them things. What they call em? Sirens?

Me: Like a tornado siren? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH. [That was my impression of a tornado siren.]

Her: Nah, like one of them voices that attracts people to it and then sucks them in so they can't escape.

Me: [laughing] Ohhhhhh! Like the Sirens from The Odyssey.

Her: Oh GUUUUUURL, that's it! Have you seen that movie? Honey, that movie was tight! It's been a long time since I seen it, but that movie was tight!

Me: I've not seen the movie, but I read the original written version.

Her: GUUURL, na uh! That was a book too?

Oh my.

Ok, so after THAT I went to Sephora to buy Y's sister some makeup as a gift for when we go visit next week. (When you go to Sephora, you can get 3 free samples of just about anything you want. This will come into play momentarily.) When I got there, I asked a saleslady to help me pick makeup for Y's sister, because she's got lovely golden olive skin and I'm sure we've already established that I know nothing about the joy of that kind of skin to be able to pick makeup for it. So this saleslady helped me for a while, and as she finished helping me find things for the gift, she said, "Now what can I get for YOU as far as samples go?" I told her I wasn't really looking for anything for myself. She looked at me kind of cockeyed and then said, "Hmm...how about skincare? Sit tight, I'll be right back!" When she came back, she gave me three small jars containing 1. a mild cleanser, 2. acne spot-treatment, and 3. oil mattifying cream. Gee, thanks for the ever-so-subtle hint, lady.

I Giggle

So we're watching the NBA Finals, and it's riddled with commercials for the new Harry Potter movie. Exasperated, my husband just remarked, "Look at those kids! They're freaking college-aged now! What's next? Harry Potter and the Sacred Unpaid Internship? God!"

Sometimes he has fabulous one-liners.

Never Short of Material, I Tell Ya

I have a few good quotes of the day to share with you before they fly off into the deep recesses of my mind and I lose them forever. It's a mixed bag this time, so just hold on for the ride, people.

1. Proof that I teach at the nerdiest school ever (and love it), two kids were comparing calculators in class. One says to the other, "You have a TI-86? How primitive."

2. Yesterday, I gave one of my classes a quiz over Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis. The quiz merely called for the students to provide a plot summary of the book to prove they had done the required background research on it. I got some of the standard fare by kids who didn't do that work--the classic "maybe being obscenely vague will get me somewhere" trick...things like, "A person does something. There are consequences and other things happen as a result." Those, let me tell you, are always delightful. My favorite, though, was from a kid who actually did do the background research but suffered from an unfortunate spelling error: "A guy named Gregor wakes up from a bad dream and turns into some kind of bug or incest." Heh...sometimes there are no words. All I could write back was, "That's an entirely different beast." I don't think he'll get it, but oh well.

3. The teacher next door to me has a three-year-old son who is pretty talkative. This teacher relayed the story of giving his child Nerds (the candy) as a reward for something. "Whatcha doing?" the child's mother said to the boy as she walked into the room. "Ohhh," he replied, "just eatin' some Turds!"

And with that I bid you adieu for now.

The Breast Comments I've Seen All Day

For many moons I have vehemently believed that the comments sections on online newspapers should be eradicated. Why? Because they tend to be overrun by 1. bigots, 2. people who never leave their homes and thus have way too much time on their hands, 3. people who have a nominal-at-best grasp of the English language, and 4. Republicans (see points one and two). (Ohhh, it's mostly a joke...don't get on me about it. sheesh)

So anyway, I have a long-standing problem with this "advancement" in technology.

However, today my local newspaper printed a story that contains the best online comments of all time. For your reading pleasure, I have copied the original article below, along with the best of the best from the comments section, which I have selected from nearly 150 posts (yes, it really WOULD appear I have a lot of time on my hands today):

More Than 300 Bras Stolen From Local Store

Authorities are investigating after more than 300 bras were reported stolen Monday from display drawers at Victoria's Secret in Eastland Mall, according to an Evansville Police Department report.

In all, 320 bras - worth $14,400 or $45 apiece - turned up missing.

Store employees reportedly noticed the bras were gone on Dec. 20, though the theft wasn't reported to police until Monday afternoon.

According to the report, store employees believe they were taken after Dec. 18. The store has surveillance, which it is still reviewing for possible suspects, the report said.

It was not immediately clear why the store waited so long to report this incident, though Evansville Police Department Spokesman Steve Green said chains often conduct their own internal investigations or work with their corporate offices before reporting crimes.

Best comments ever:
-"What kind of boob would do that?"
-"I guess Victoria's Secret has their panties in a wad over all of this."
-"Is there a 'support' group for this kind of crime?"
-"What a titillating story!"
-"Cross my heart I hope they find the people who did this." (This one is subtly clever, you see.)
-"Thank you, C&P, for keeping us abreast of this situation."
-"Talk about some bra-zar behavior!"
-"Must be revenge...(wait for it)...yep, it was tit-for-tat." (I love that this person was so confident in his or her zinger.)
-"I look forward to the capture of this miscreants. That will be an uplifting story."
-"A crime of this magnitude can only be solved by an investigator with hands-on experience."

Oh, thank you for the momentary giggles today, morons who post on newspaper comments forums.