Only in America

Put yourself in my shoes. I'm walking through Walgreens as I wait on a prescription. Meandering through the aisles, I giggle at the As Seen on TV products. I turn down another aisle and chuckle over the advancements in "Family Planning" products. I move on. As I round the corner into a fresh aisle, something catches my eye. "Did I just see the word 'paternity?'" I ask myself.

I stop and scan the shelf again. I'm about to give up looking when what to my wondering eyes should appear but the tiny little box with the words I knew I had caught a glimpse of: DNA Paternity Test. Retail price: $29.99. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

People, Walgreens is selling a paternity test. Just...let that sink in. We can now willy nilly go to the drug store and say to ourselves, "Shampoo--check. Ibuprofen--check. Oh, and while I'm here, I suppose I should go ahead and start on that 'find out who impregnated me' list." Has it really come to this? Does Maury Povich realize his empire could be toppled?

*sigh*

New Journal Funnies

Well, kids. It's time for a new batch of journal funnies. I've had these for a while, actually, but kept forgetting to post them. Doh. (What can you expect? We've already established and confirmed repeatedly that I am, indeed, an ass.) Additionally, do forgive the formatting and font inconsistencies here today. It makes me itch, it's so awful. However, blogger.com has apparently decided it wants to be picky today about html coding (which, naturally, I know nothing about), and I don't feel like fighting it.

Prompt: What is the worst job on the planet?

Answer 1: "I think the worst job on the planet would be a mattress salesman. What’s more boring than mattresses? NOTHING! If I had to spend all day selling mattresses, I would probably hate life….It would be so awful to stay in a bland room all day with a bunch of mattresses and creepy people."

Answer 2: "The worst job on the planet would probably be like being a proctologist or colon doctor, pretty much any job involving poop or anuses."

Answer 3: "I think that the worst job would be an actress in an Adam Sandler movie. If I were an actress that made it will enough to be in movies with famous actors, I would be extremely disappointed to be stuck with the most annoying, non-comical idiot on the planet."

Answer 4 (my personal favorite): "The worst job on the face of the planet for me would be personal assistant to Nicholas Cage. I don’t need that filthy money and don’t care how much it pays."

Prompt: Tell me the highlights of your winter break.

Answer: "Over winter break I was almost grounded three times. The first was when I wouldn’t sit on Santa’s lap. The second was when I didn’t want to be a Facebook friend with 'the woman who gave birth to me,' and the last was when a certain two-year-old Pictionary fight ended with an e-mail to Hasbro."

Prompt: Is poverty a necessary evil in our society?

Answer: "Yes! There always has to be someone on the bottom! (not like that…)"

Finally, today's quote of the day comes from a test I just graded. The question asked what the author was alluding to in the quote I gave the students. The answer: "She is alluding to the fall of Satin in the Bible." For those of you who are not as well versed in the scripture as I clearly am, Satin was Satan's sister. A naughty burlesque dancer with a penchant for cocaine, she was ostracized from the family after appearing on Rock of Love and hasn't been seen since the police sting in the public park bathrooms.